Better Me
by LilyGhost
Summary: Stephanie gets a clearer idea of what and who she wants in her life after she steps away from her old one for a few days.


**Everyone and everything familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine.**

The waves crashed against the large rocks lining parts of the shore, and I let the sound take over my thoughts ... _again_. I've done this every night since I've been here. I told my cousin Vinnie I needed a vacation and then I hauled ass to Point Pleasant to think about a few things.

Every day in the past two weeks has been exactly the same. I go after a skip and then either deal with my parents for a mooched dinner or come home to Rex and an empty apartment. Mary Lou has a family and a life, Lula and Connie aren't interested in anything but their own, and I finally wised-up and erased the mistake that was Joe for good.

He had been working double shifts before we broke up and I noticed that I hadn't been tempted to call him even when I knew he was free. He'd either want sex or to be left alone to sleep. I've been alone enough and it's been clear to me for awhile that I'm not really interested in sex anymore, at least not with him.

Unfortunately, I'm still not sure how to make the leap from friend to something else with Ranger, since sex with _him_ is what I've started to think about eighty-percent of the time I'm awake. I wasted what should've been valuable daylight hours last week trying to figure out what the hell happened to my life, and when my feelings on various things in it have changed, until it was time for bed again.

Not being able to think clearly or sleep soundly is how I ended up here, sitting or sometimes walking along a surprisingly deserted beach like one of my deranged stalkers may have done. The sound of the waves, the reassuring presence of the moon night after night, and the lack of people wanting something from me, seems to be the only things that calm my brain down. At least temporarily. As soon as I would turn the light off in my room hoping _this_ is the night I'll be able to accomplish more than just five minutes of jerky sleep at a time, the doubts I have about _everything_ start to creep back in, choking me until I have to leave the hotel in search of more air.

I go through every step of my nighttime routine. I take out my ponytail and brush the tangles out of my hair. I also brush and floss my teeth and wash whatever makeup I bothered to put on off my face without meeting the eyes in the mirror that have taken on a definite trapped look. The purplish bags under them, and the frown lines around my mouth that I hope don't become permanent, are not-so-subtle reminders that I drag my ass out of a very lonely bed every morning to chase people I end up hating, for a paycheck I hate even more. My life should be worth more than a chunk of change barely large enough to keep me from completely starving to death every week.

I started at antsy this morning, so after I gave up and got out of bed, I stayed in my room only long enough to pull on a pair of jeans under the black dress shirt that Ranger wore to a dinner we had together. It's become a bedtime staple even if he couldn't be. What's sad, is that I love the shirt almost as much as I love the man who used to own it, just because it belonged to him like I wanted to. Even after everything we've been through, I still have trouble admitting to him that I stole it because I needed something of his to get through the night if I couldn't have him.

I've made a drastic improvement to my life by severing all contact with Joe and limiting Burg and bonds office visits, but I know that isn't enough. I have to start doing more for myself and think less about how people will react to it. It took only one night away from Trenton for reality to slam into me. All the dreams, desires, and hopes, I used to have for myself went ... _poof!_ They all seem to be gone now. I still can't even pinpoint when it happened, but it's now obvious that the uneasy, unsettled feelings I've been struggling with, hadn't been solely caused by an unhealthy relationship.

I've become what I feared most. _A plodder_ like everybody else in my family, making decisions I haven't been happy with because I felt they were required. Even though I have my own apartment outside the Burg, a mostly reliable job, my car's still working, I do have a few friends I really like, and a family I only have to tolerate if I choose to, I still hate waking up when my alarm clock rings. And if I wanted to be honest with myself, I also hate pretty much every minute after I hit the snooze button again.

My body and my mind got together and figure out how to solve my tossing/turning sleep problems for me by not allowing me to really fall asleep in the first place. But at least I get to avoid the shrill noise that started me swearing every morning at seven. Now I just flip the alarm switch to off at three and give up on my bed then. That's why I packed up Rex and ran. I needed something new to look at as I figured out what to do.

By that time, I'd already memorized the exact placement of everything in my room that I can see from my bed, thanks to the eyes that seem to be allergic to closing. I started dreading nights so much, when I'd get home after another horrible day and lock the door behind me, I'd feel the walls immediately close in on me ... and it got worse each day.

Turns out, though, different scenery didn't help. Like at home, each night I've been here, I've been forced to escape my crappy rented room earlier and earlier. Used to be I'd just watch the sun come up with my ass on the beach and my feet in the water, but now I watch the sun go down and the stars come out, skipping the lumpy hotel bed completely.

If I don't get a handle on this, I'll be even more useless when I do head back to Trenton. I only had enough money saved to pay for a room for five days and I'm already going on day four. Vinnie had made yelling at me a daily occurrence, and the day before I left, his rant started because I zoned out during a stakeout and missed a pretty easy capture. That hadn't been the first time this month that's happened, which could be deadly if I was up against someone other than a public tinkler, and I know it won't be the last if I don't do something. I've tried giving myself multiple pep talks, I drank more - and stronger - coffee, and took advantage of any nap opportunity that presented itself. It proved useless, though. I'm not any closer to a better life or eight-hours of non-sleep.

After an only picked-at dinner, I didn't go back to my room at all. I went straight to the beach instead. I had the night air and ocean for company from the time the crickets started chirping until the sun joined the fun and started to peek out over the water. I waited there, my jean-covered ass coated in sand, until each and every color in the rainbow had made an appearance in the sky. Only then did I haul my tired body back to the hotel.

I made it to my room and already had my sneakers off in under seven minutes. Just as I was about to step onto the cracked linoleum bathroom floor, I paused. In my sock-covered feet, sandy clothes, and my stress-knotted curls, I made a decision. And I'm going to force myself to stick to it. I picked my cell up off the plastic bedside table and hit the number linking me to the person I've actually had nightmares about back when I used to be able to close my eyes for something other than to fight back a headache.

As usual, he didn't pick up. I waited for his voicemail to kick in.

"Vinnie? It's Stephanie. I'd rather be doing this in person, but I'm still out of town and I'm not in a hurry to get back. Anyway ... I quit."

That's all I needed to say so I hung up. I don't owe him an explanation. That felt pretty good, but I'm not done. I made another call.

This guy did pick up after three rings and I felt a major twinge of guilt for the early call.

"Hey, Dillon. It's Steph."

"What's up?" He asked, sounding groggy but still really polite. "You back home?"

"No, not yet. I was wondering if I can ask you to do me a favor before I get back?"

"Sure."

"Can you change the locks on my apartment door?"

He was quiet for a beat. "Is someone after you again?"

"No. I just don't want anyone who used to be able to get in to get in now," I explained.

Morelli could've made a copy at any time. I don't think he'd use it, but the new and improved Stephanie is being proactive.

"I can do it today," he assured me.

"Thanks. I'll drop off a six-pack when I pick up my new keys."

"When will you be back?"

"Probably tomorrow ... possibly the next day," I told him.

"You know where I am."

"I do. Thanks again."

"No problem," he said before disconnecting.

Before I could chicken out, I made the most important call of my life. Ranger picked up before the first ring finished. He always does.

"Babe."

"Hey. I hope I'm not disturbing you."

"You can disturb me any time of the day or night."

"Are you in the gym?" I asked, happy just to be talking to him.

"I just left it. I've been waiting for you to call."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm assuming you've finally come to the same conclusion I did a long ago."

"Which is what?"

"You need me to be happy as much as I need you," he told me.

"I really could've used that information sooner. Where the heck were you two weeks ago?"

"You've always known what my feelings for you are, you just weren't ready to believe in them. And I've been in the same place I've been for too long now ... right here waiting for you to tell me that there's no question who you belong with ... _belong to_. Is that what's happening?"

I only paused for half a millisecond. He really makes things far too easy on me. I'm a huge pain in his ass, but he seems okay with it as long as I eventually admit he's been right all along.

"Yeah ... that's what's happening. I used to think I was only strong enough to love you as a friend, but I _know_ now that I'm woman enough to _love_ you the way you deserve to be."

That's interesting. I say those three little words to him and my lungs suddenly open back up.

"Love you, too, Babe."

"I know. _You_ weren't the one having trouble saying it. But just so you know ... I felt it even when I knew it was wrong to."

"Not everything needs to be spoken, sometimes a sentiment is easier to be felt than heard."

I blew out another burst of relieved air. "Maybe you felt this coming, too. Not only do I want to be more than friends, I want to take you mentoring me seriously. I just quit my job and I need to fine tune what skills I do have so I can land a better one."

"You're a free agent?" He asked.

"Yep ... in every sense, in case some security bigwig wants to scoop me up for himself or for his company. I hate Vinnie. He's a VD-infected parasite and I can't be happier to be rid of him. I don't feel guilty so it must be the right decision. I also asked Dillon to change my locks so _no one_ from my past can come calling. If you and Hector want to add to the new deadbolt or two, I won't fight you."

"Leaving Vinnie's is the right decision, and you've always been under Rangeman's employment and protection plans. I just wanted it said that I have your permission to step in if I feel it's needed."

I tried to rub the fuzzy feeling from my head. "Not only do you have permission to step in, you can come in with guns blazing. I'm not taking anymore chances ... except on us. So ... what now?" I asked.

"Are you coming to me? Or do you want me there?"

"It's that simple?"

"It is if you don't try to complicate it."

I felt a huge weight finally lifting off my shoulders. "No complications ... got it."

"Here or there?" He asked again.

 _That_ I didn't have to think about. "I have my crappy room for one more day ..."

He didn't hesitate, either. "I'm on my way, but make sure your door stays locked until I am."

My safety always comes first with him. "I'm in room 6B."

"I know right where you are. And I'm glad you didn't opt for a twin bed." And he left me with the mental image of him lying in my bed tonight.

I'm not shocked that he knows exactly where I am at all times. I'm wouldn't even be surprised to hear that he knows what the inside of my room looks like for security purposes. What continues to amaze me is that he waits for me to make the first move, even with the knowledge that I can't say no to him for long. He's made no secret of wanting me, but this time he made sure we'd stick before he encroached.

Since I never want to say no to him again, and I have no problems with any boundary he wants to cross, I took a quick shower to get the sand and ocean smell off me. I then slid his dress shirt back on with nothing underneath it and I headed to my rent-a-bed. I collapsed onto it and finally felt relaxed enough to drift into a semi-sleep. Ranger will be here in about an hour and I want to be at least a little coherent so I can enjoy it.

I woke up after what felt like just minutes had passed. Ranger was in bed with me but still fully dressed, and his lips were warm on the back of my neck.

"I've got you now, Babe," he said quietly. "Go back to sleep."

I rolled over into him. "Make me," I playfully challenged.

It was a long time before we did sleep, but after we slipped into it, we didn't wake up at all until we were rested and ready to tackle each other again _and_ our plans for the future.


End file.
